Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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