a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
home. puking in laundry basket.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
