Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Terrible idea I love it
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
