She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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