party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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