I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
