Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
