Your tits are I can't wait for
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
