Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
