She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
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But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
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I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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