I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
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In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.