I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
50% drunk capacity currently
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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