I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list