Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
