I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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