nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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