At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
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Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!