if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent