we have officially lost it.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
