i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize