if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
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Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
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There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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