im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
