just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We are two peas in an std pod
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I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
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The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I love you.
Bad choice
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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