he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.