After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus