I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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