When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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