On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
