A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
