I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
