Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.