He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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