so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.