YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
These 19 Sad People Chose Video Games Over Sex
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning