U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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