I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
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he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
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All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT