But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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