but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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