Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
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I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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