he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
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Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
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My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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