I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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