I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
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They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
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I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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