Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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