i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
be right there i have to get my cape
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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