i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?