I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes