My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
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I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
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I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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