I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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