Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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