yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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