I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
