dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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