i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
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I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
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We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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