Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?