she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
