My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.